A few nights in a row last week I woke up at around three in the morning, dragged myself to the bathroom and then was sideswiped by an epiphany. This epiphany was the same every time, and it was none less mind blowing and frightening. If I had to label it I would say it was a mystical experience. Whether it was the result of a still-dreamy mind state with its inhibitions weakened or whatever else it doesn’t make it any less true or real. It’s truly hard to describe and putting it in writing doesn’t do it justice. Trying to describe it to a friend was met with an empathetic glance, trying to give the impression of understand, but I know I couldn’t convey it in words.
This is the best I can describe it:
At that very moment, it became very apparent that I would die, not now but in the not too distant future. I don’t mean some premonition that I would die an early death, but rather the fact that since I was now living, I in fact had to die. The feeling was synonymous with the death of someone very close, once the knowledge that it was irreversible is finally accepted. In a way maybe it was exactly like that; after all, who are you closest to but your own ego? People know we die, everyone knows it, or at least they all say they do. The difference is that I actually felt it, I wanted to escape, to not be alive, because it meant that I would die. I felt like a death row inmate. I collapsed back on my bed and fell asleep and by the next morning I didn’t feel any of that experience lingering, but I still had the memory and it still seems very important. The next couple of times it became easier to accept, and now it’s a permanent component to my consciousness. I think letting go of things like this is important to living a more fulfilling life as cliché as that may seem.
So my point with all this? We shrug off all of life’s complexities and oddities and barricade ourselves in another reality. This is not the only reality, and for many this fact is particularly unnerving. To actually begin dismantling this barricade is frightening on many levels. Sure there are sciences and mathematics and things have logic to them, but all of these are within the context of the human reality. When you get down to the fundamental questions there are no answers as of yet. If you want proof just follow any branch of science backwards to its source. Why do we even exist at all? What is reality? Religion tries to answer these questions, which is a major point in my dismissal of it. Religion was invented by man to solve these fundamental questions, and as a result they are no closer to answering them. The answers cannot be put into words, and I’m not even sure if humans are capable of containing them. By expanding our minds we can get close to feeling the aspects of these answers, and that is mind-blowing enough as it is. So life is boring? No it isn’t, blow down a wall or two and you’ll see.
Kevin G said,
November 17, 2007 at 11:30 pm
Dismantling the barricade is a steady process that can be facilitated by DRUGS LOL. I know it goes without saying that the drugs themselves are hardly the source of the experience, just the catalyst. I try not to get too caught up in my own visions and epiphanies, but as far as im concerned dying is an important event in every persons life, and while everyones reality points to the midlife as the apex of life experience, i think just the opposite. Dying is the peak human experience and it kills me to think that almost everyone either never ceases to realize that, or they at least realize it when it actually happens. What should make you want to collapse is not that you have to die, but the fact that youve been given the ability to alter your concept of what death is at such an early age. You have all the time in the world to dive into your actual question and come out with an aura of comfort and understanding about it. Youre fortunate to be equipped with the real tools of inquiry, so its better to feel humble about that than to distress over what those tools allow you to accomplish.
For every crises that brings me to a point of inescapable anxiety, i turn to dharmic religion. Im sure ive mentioned and im sure youve read enough to back up the assertion that the psychedelic experience parallels the spiritual experience, and my own experiences have led me to understand that im not alone in my crises, and that there really are “road maps” and “instructions” to every baffling quandry we have about dying. Mind expansion, attempting to contain the answers youre talking about, feeling humble about the answers we cant know, this is what dharmic religion actually accomplishes.
It sucks that we live in the heart of jesus land, because christianity is a two faced evil that I see in almost everyone I know. If youre not one of them already, youre just as easily influenced by them by shutting yourself off from all religious exploration or discussion. If anyone lets christianity spoil the idea of god or metaphysical understanding for themselves, they’re just as much a product of that institution as its actual followers are.
All that being said, you can start by doing some research on near death experiences. Learning about NDEs was the seed of change and the seed of genuine spirituality in my life so all I can recommend is what worked for me. If youre feeling daring you can get into studying reincarnation, but I dont think its a very good idea to immerse yourself in religious concepts until your own experiences start fitting you into your spiritual niche. 1 good dose of lsd was all I needed to get me going. The doors of perception opened to me for but a day and thats all I needed to be able to look death square in the eye and laugh.