Off the chest and out of mind
You were my first “real” relationship. I made mistakes that I won’t soon forget, and the experience changed me in a way that I’m only now starting to realize. Before you I was only a child, naive in more ways than I care to admit. I’m not much older, but I feel completely different from how I was then. About six months were the happiest I’ve ever felt. Someone who finally got me, who I could have by my side almost constantly. Then, as all things progress, I began to wonder if I was really happy or if there might be something better. I wanted to do more things without you, and you grew jealous, and I grew claustrophobic.
Disaster. We tried things I probably should have foreseen to be disastrous. But we tried them all the same. A few months later and we were already on the brink of death. And then things were better. For awhile things were good. Not as good, but good. I still had a longing to do other things, and you still had a tendency to make me feel guilty about them. But I’d do them some of the time, and you’d cry some of the time, and I’d feel terrible each time. So a few months went by and I felt maybe we should take a break. I slept at my house, you at yours. You cried (unbeknownst to myself) each night. One final night you decided enough was enough and wanted to talk about it. The next night I’d promised to sleep at yours again, but you couldn’t wait. I came over, and we talked for awhile, we cried for awhile. You asked what I wanted, and I responded “I want you to be my friend”. In actuality I meant this as I want things to go back to how they used to be, us being best friends and lovers and not wanting to be apart. But it read quite differently, it read as “it’s over”. And then I accepted this, as if my unconscious mind was really telling me that it was time to end it. Then I wrestled with my decision for a few days, and kept going back to “it’s over”, and felt relief at the finality of the whole ordeal. You would call every night or every other night wanting to hang out, and I’d oblige since I promised to be friends and to help you out through this tough time. I wasn’t doing either of us a favor. Most relationships have the post-breakup thing, ours was rather tame.
Then he came into the picture. As soon as you said you were happy I instantly became the opposite. You finally found comfort in misery, and I couldn’t be happy for you. My gut wrenched for a month, I felt the worst pain I’ve ever experienced. It makes no goddamned sense. I thought you’d always be there to ask to hang out, in case I was feeling lonely. When that was gone, I had no support any longer. I went though some stupid “relationships”. None with any kind of meaning or feeling, just physical sustenance. And now I feel good. I feel better and more secure with myself than before I met you. I have a good deal of good things ahead to experience, and all I really want now is to know that you are happy.
You have a tendency to focus on your boyfriends. I want you to know that you can be your own person and have your own activities apart from him.
Have a good life, keep in touch.
Love always
-Me
