Waits a blarin…

February 29, 2012 at 9:53 pm (Uncategorized)

Waits a blarin’. Where did you go? You couldn’t stop talking even for a second. The energy was taken from all of us and injected straight into your brain stem. Pacing back and forth, drawing chalk lines on every surface that will have them. Rush! Outta here. Where did you go? The days are a bit dimmer, the mood a bit dreary. Everyone acts like you’re fine, like it’s all temporary. I hope so. It’s too early for the circus..too late for the bars. Come back, please just one goodbye if it has to be that way. I’ve never wanted to see anyone quite so much as you right now. This is getting to be too much to handle. I’ll probably be arrested when I’m in my grave, but I’m saving all my lovin for you. The first day wasn’t so bad, the second even was great. Your energy was positive and glowing, the next morning it was looking off the edge of a cliff. I hope you had a chute. You are unique, one of the only people I’ve ever felt was like me. And now you’re away. Goin’ downtown down down town. It feels like I have a leak. I’m shaking all over, can barely take it. Fuck it all. Seriously. Stop all this pretentious bullshit, you don’t talk that way. Just type like you would have a conversation you prick. But prose is so much closer to the truth. Goin down town down down town. Just keep typing, keep it going and maybe you’ll find your voice. Where the hell are you? Are you okay? This whole thing is terrifying beyond belief, like something you held dear is out there alone and frightened. How will they know what to do? Just another dead soldier. 

Awright let’s do this shit. Fuck all y’all. 

A few nights prior I made up my mind to tell you how I really feel. The next morning when I saw you I only saw your shell, your mind was in another world. My heart sank faster than ever before. Ever since I’ve been trying to act like nothing fucking happened. Twothousandtwelve I had hope, it’s only been two months, get better. Sha la la sha la la la, sha la la la la la. You know she fills me with all her joys. Everything’s alright with Waits a blarin’.


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What happened i…

February 9, 2012 at 4:35 am (Uncategorized)

What happened in the year and a half we were together? No, not you, her. The one ignoring me. I can’t even remember what it’s like being in a happy relationship. Have I ever been in one? I feel so awkward recalling memories of us, like seeking unwanted affection from a stranger. Did that really happen? It’s all so foreign. Like something you read about but don’t really expect to happen. Fast forward. Why am I in your house while you’re away with your newfound love? I don’t remember, but I remember checking for signs of unhappiness. Having already overstayed my welcome I leave. I haven’t thought of you in so long, why now? Will it ever be again? Two years and twenty-three days. A landmark both for you and me. Disjointed disconnected prose once again. I need to get lost

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The end of anot…

January 17, 2012 at 6:55 am (Uncategorized)

The end of another era so it seems. The sharpest division yet.

“What was that sound on your ringtone?”
Who knew that dog meant so much to him? His children are on their own. Perhaps the recording reminds him of a time when his house was full of life and love. What is this modern life? In the end we have but our families, small and dispersed.

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Bear this in mind..

December 30, 2011 at 7:42 am (Uncategorized)


Digging down

Digging up

Memories. Clear the fog

Back in the sun, illuminating modern molds of past objects

Pass by your old house, our old house, still feel that twinge

You never fought so hard

Here’s to new years and old memories

For the sake of auld lang syne.

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What is this dr…

December 23, 2011 at 7:37 am (Uncategorized)

What is this dread, and whence does it come? Despite all rational thought it persists. Withdrawal.

I saw my own parents struggling with my own issues. I can’t speak to them about it, they no doubt know it somewhere in their minds. They have much farther to fall, though, than I did. When you get to the point where you’re almost searching for the negative aspects of a person’s personality, it’s time to escape. I still don’t have the courage to end something I know almost without a doubt is right, but she did. I doubt either of my parents can do it, and I can’t imagine how much the fall would hurt. My mom lunged for the champagne, my dad found the opposite nook of the house, escaping to the few souls he doesn’t mind. Seeing these things I know what happened is alright, that I need to find something else. Or that will be my future. And I can see the next horizon, but it may be a mirage. Side tracks?

Wait out the dread, it will pass just like last time…just like last time.

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Coffee consumption rising

November 16, 2011 at 5:35 am (Uncategorized)

We broke up and then I felt the dread. Like being lost in the woods on a cold autumn day. I saw an opportunity to recolor the leaves and took it. Things are bright and sunny as they were, but I still wonder: was it right? See, there’s someone else. Beautiful green eyes, long brown hair, and can throat sing just like me. My heart skips a beat, my legs feel weak, and yet I still hobble home to you.

Disjointed, disconnected, just like this prose.

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Off the chest and out of mind

June 22, 2010 at 9:01 am (Uncategorized)

You were my first “real” relationship. I made mistakes that I won’t soon forget, and the experience changed me in a way that I’m only now starting to realize. Before you I was only a child, naive in more ways than I care to admit. I’m not much older, but I feel completely different from how I was then. About six months were the happiest I’ve ever felt. Someone who finally got me, who I could have by my side almost constantly. Then, as all things progress, I began to wonder if I was really happy or if there might be something better. I wanted to do more things without you, and you grew jealous, and I grew claustrophobic.

Disaster. We tried things I probably should have foreseen to be disastrous. But we tried them all the same. A few months later and we were already on the brink of death. And then things were better. For awhile things were good. Not as good, but good. I still had a longing to do other things, and you still had a tendency to make me feel guilty about them. But I’d do them some of the time, and you’d cry some of the time, and I’d feel terrible each time. So a few months went by and I felt maybe we should take a break. I slept at my house, you at yours. You cried (unbeknownst to myself) each night. One final night you decided enough was enough and wanted to talk about it. The next night I’d promised to sleep at yours again, but you couldn’t wait. I came over, and we talked for awhile, we cried for awhile. You asked what I wanted, and I responded “I want you to be my friend”. In actuality I meant this as I want things to go back to how they used to be, us being best friends and lovers and not wanting to be apart. But it read quite differently, it read as “it’s over”. And then I accepted this, as if my unconscious mind was really telling me that it was time to end it. Then I wrestled with my decision for a few days, and kept going back to “it’s over”, and felt relief at the finality of the whole ordeal. You would call every night or every other night wanting to hang out, and I’d oblige since I promised to be friends and to help you out through this tough time. I wasn’t doing either of us a favor. Most relationships have the post-breakup thing, ours was rather tame.

Then he came into the picture. As soon as you said you were happy I instantly became the opposite. You finally found comfort in misery, and I couldn’t be happy for you. My gut wrenched for a month, I felt the worst pain I’ve ever experienced. It makes no goddamned sense. I thought you’d always be there to ask to hang out, in case I was feeling lonely. When that was gone, I had no support any longer. I went though some stupid “relationships”. None with any kind of meaning or feeling, just physical sustenance. And now I feel good. I feel better and more secure with myself than before I met you. I have a good deal of good things ahead to experience, and all I really want now is to know that you are happy.

You have a tendency to focus on your boyfriends. I want you to know that you can be your own person and have your own activities apart from him.

Have a good life, keep in touch.

Love always


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December 9, 2009 at 6:12 am (Uncategorized)

It’s easy to follow

It’s easy to fall low

Walking behind in bleak winter air

Surrounding and pounding us

Are those your steps?

Which are mine?

Which are his? That bastard

This was my trail, now it’s been sullied

We were only a month or two away from summer

I faltered, now we’re found.

Though I still follow closely, he gains ever nearer

Maybe it’s all madness, maybe these steps are all my own

Maybe I’m walking in circles, having lost yours long ago

I now glance to the sides every other step searching for impressions

Maybe if I find your lost path I can make it out of this alive

It’s all so uncertain, I wish I had a clue, will you lead me to safety?

I should have stayed by your side, you knew right all along.

Now I’m walking in circles, following my own path nowhere

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December 6, 2009 at 9:37 am (Uncategorized)

The end of an era. I keep oscillating about a good equilibrium. I get too close and repel; too far away and I attract. I need a distraction. I want that cliche feeling of complete empathy with someone.

I keep having fleeting thoughts of terror at the way things are on a grand scale. We are just localized complexity in a sea of indifference. Both amazing and terrifying. And despite all this, people are still so cruel.

Distract me.

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March 15, 2009 at 3:54 am (Uncategorized)

I used to love sitting in the bath, putting my ears below the waterline so all sound was muffled and strange sounding. It was comforting, a world all my own. I now find myself wishing I could recede into myself and just lay with my ears below the waterline, a world all my own. I’m treading too hard keeping my head up, the floor’s receded it seems. No longer a bath, a pond, a lake. Just to lay back and float would be excellent.

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